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Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
It's already past 10 PM, but I've just finished my homework and taken a shower. One hand is rubbing my damp hair with a towel, while my gaze is fixed on... my knee.
The image and feeling from earlier this afternoon came back to me again.
The smell of the sun, the scent of sweat, the heat, and the warmth of our knees pressed together.
Thump.
"You're such a kid, Pete. Embarrassed over something like this?" I use the end of the towel to cover my face, burying my face in my knees, feeling my cheeks burn. I don't understand. Even though I was just disappointed in love not long ago, deceived and hurt by someone I thought loved me.
Why, when I met Ae, did I believe that he wouldn't hurt me? I believe he won't do the things that person did.
Maybe it's because Ae only sees me as a friend.
Then the answer came rushing into my heart, and my embarrassment fades away, replaced by a soft sigh before I smile... smiling from the heart.
I don't expect Ae to like me. I just want him to see me as a friend, that's all.
It's nothing. I know that feelings beyond friendship towards someone who has been kind to me are wrong, but I'll keep them quietly in my heart. A kind person like Ae probably won't mind.
Knock knock knock
"Pete, have you gone to bed yet, my son?" Just then, the door to my room opens, and my mother steps in.
"Not yet, Mom. Is there something you need?" I smile at her immediately.
My mother is beautiful. She has long black hair that reaches her mid-back, usually tied up into a tight bun at the top of her head. Her face, gentle when she's with me, changes to one of determination when she's at work. My mother owns a moderately sized hotel that's fairly well-known in the city center. She's skilled, decisive, and a strong woman. But she's also the mother who loves me the most, and I love her more than anything in my life.
"I'm glad to see you smile, Pete."
Thud
I freeze immediately when my mother speaks, and she reaches out, gently stroking my damp hair before taking the towel to dry it for me.
"I've seen you stressed for days, Pete. I haven't felt right. I'm happy to see you smile, and that makes me happy."
"I'm sorry, Mom," I lower my head slightly, my voice barely a whisper as the feeling of guilt hits me hard when I think about what I have confessed to her. That makes my mother's hand still, before she moves to sit beside me on the bed.
"Pete, you haven't done anything wrong. Why would you apologize to me?"
"I'm wrong... because I'm not normal," I keep my head down, unable to look her in the eye, thinking of what my ex has said to me.
Your sexual orientation is disgusting.
Thump.
"Pete, look at me, my son..." My mother gently touches my chin to lift my face so our eyes meet. She smiles, her eyes still firm, but gentle, as her other hand softly brushes my cheek.
"Pete, you're not wrong, not at all. You didn't mean for it to be this way, and I can tell you that whatever it is you choose, I will support you. I will always be your strength. I will never be the one to hurt you." I can feel tears welling up. My eyes are hot, and the more I look at my mother, the more I feel both guilty and loved by her, equally.
This makes my mother move to hug me loosely.
"My Pete is a good boy, you know? I'm thankful every time you choose to stay with me instead of going to live with your father. You are everything to me, my precious one. You're irreplaceable. Don't think of yourself as abnormal, don't think of yourself as different from others, because I wouldn't bear to see you unhappy." I cry again, holding my mother tight with both hands.
Because I know that my mother sees me as the most important thing in her life. The day I was threatened, I was afraid of making her sad, to the point where I allowed them to take money from me for three months.
It's the same. If my mother suffers, I would suffer even more.
"I love you so much, Mom," I whisper softly, making my mother loosen her embrace slightly and then use the towel to wipe my face.
"You're 18 now, Pete. Crying like a child," she says with a smile, which makes me shyly smile back, wiping my tears with the back of my hand and giving her the same smile.
"So, how was your day at the university?" When my mother asks, I think of... Ae.
"I met a new friend, Mom. I haven't told you about him yet. He's the one who helped me when I almost got hit by a car before. He's really nice. He rode his bike and took me to the clinic. We've been friends since. Today, I met him again, and he invited me to lunch. I was so embarrassed, Mom. I've never gone into the central cafeteria, and I had to let him buy me lunch. He also taught me how to take the tram... Ah, I was so embarrassed that I've been here for over a semester and still don't know how to take the university tram..."
As I speak about Ae, I end up telling her everything without realizing it. I have only met him three times, but it feels like there is so much I want to say about him. My mother listens attentively, laughing along and even commenting.
"Your friend sounds like a really good person."
"Yes, he's really good... really good..." I trailed off as I fell silent when my mother laughed, feeling as if I had been tricked into talking about him. My mother smiled at me.
"Keep going, I want to hear more about... him, right? Ae, is it?" But when my mother asks, I keep talking until I realize I might have accidentally revealed everything to her.
No, he's just a friend. She doesn't know, right...? I hope not.
~~~
It's been several days since I last saw Ae. By the time it's nearly a week, we haven't met again, but it's already become a habit for me to sit and quietly watch the football field. I sit alone and smile, because it's one of the little things I know about him.
Today, however, I arrived earlier than usual. There are only a few people exercising on the field, and there aren't many passengers on the tram yet. I see that there's still plenty of time. After all, I don't have class until ten, and it's just after six. So, I decided to walk along the edge of the football field, lightly touching the netting that separates the field from the walking area.
The morning air at the university is so pleasant that I have to take a deep breath. I'm from the city, studying in the heart of town, and coming to study here in the suburbs. I can't help but smile as I enjoy the cool breeze and soft sunlight.
"Whose car is that?!"
Gasp!
I flinch slightly when I hear an irritated voice from a distance. I turn around and see the security guard standing next to a car. I wouldn't have been embarrassed if it wasn't for the fact that... It's my car.
"Which kid parked this here? Showing off and acting rich! Do they think they won't get chased off just because it's a Benz? Don't they have anyone to tell them this is no parking? This space is for the tram!"
My heart sinks to my feet, and I panic, not knowing what to do because I really didn't know that this spot is off-limits for parking.
So, I hurry over to the security guard.
"Uh, excuse me, sir..."
"What?!"
I flinch as the security guard shoots me a glare.
"It's my car... I'll move it to another spot," I say, seeing the guard pause, his eyes widening as he doesn't expect the car owner to be standing right there.
He clears his throat, then looks up at me.
"Don't you know this is a no-parking zone? Just because you're driving a Benz doesn't mean I won't tell you off. No matter what brand of car it is, breaking the rules is breaking the rules!" The security guard raises his voice, making me feel even more embarrassed.
I quickly raise my hands in apology, realizing my mistake. "I'm sorry, sir. I'll move it to another spot."
"Yeah, you better know that rules are rules. Kids these days like to show off, acting rich, doing whatever they want without respect for others..."
I immediately lower my head. I want to argue that I'm not trying to show off or act rich, but since I know I've done something wrong, I just stand there, listening to him rant, feeling increasingly embarrassed as others begin to look over at us.
"Sir, I didn't know..."
"Didn't know or didn't care?!"
"Do you think he's showing off his wealth, or maybe you're the one who's trying to act tough?"
I turn around, and there, standing behind me, is the one person I want to see. He's holding his shoe laces with one hand while his fierce, intimidating face stares coldly at the security guard, who now looks back with a similarly serious expression.
"He already apologized; said he didn't know. What else do you want him to do, bow to you? Just let him move his car and end it here. And you, don't let me catch you parking here again," Ae says sharply, his eyes still fixed on the guard.
"Uh... yes, sir." I quietly accept, still staring at Ae, who is now glaring at the security guard.
"And what does this have to do with you?" The guard asks.
"It's not that, but I can't just watch. The kid looked so apologetic, so I spoke up," Ae answers calmly, his serious expression showing that he won't back down.
"Shouldn't you deal with that first? That car is parked where it's not allowed, too," Ae continues, pointing to another car that is illegally parked. The guard immediately turns and mutters in frustration.
"What's with these kids nowadays?!" Still, he turns back to me, his face serious as he warns, "Don't park here again next time!" He then walks off toward the dark-colored car.
Ae turns to me, his stern face making me flinch slightly.
"Every time I see you, there's always some trouble, Ai Pete."
"I... I'm just..."
"If you're going to apologize, just move the car. The guard will be back soon," Ae cuts me off quickly, making me shrink back.
I'm not sure if my defeated posture makes him smile or if it's just his usual way of looking at me like I'm a kid. He nudges my shoulder again.
"Hurry up. You're going to lose your parking space if you don't move soon... Anyway, wait for me in the IC parking lot. I'll ride my bike over to pick you up."
"!!!"
I stare at him in surprise, wondering why he would come pick me up. This only makes Ae chuckle.
"You're probably going to the cafeteria for breakfast, right? I'm starving to death. Come eat with me. I'll grab my bike first." Ae looks at me, waiting for my response.
What else can I do but nod?
"Alright, then let's go," he says with a grin, giving me a sharp look before heading off.
"Ah, yes, yes." This time, I quickly run to unlock and slip into the car, turning to look at Ae, who jogs toward the dorm.
I hurriedly drive the car to the regular parking spot, my face smeared with a smile.
Every time we meet, there is always something going on, but every time there is something, Ae always happens to help me.
Perspective - Ae (Inthach).
Do you believe that right now I am laughing, both laughing and feeling sorry for Ai'Khun-chai?
Today, I left my running shoes at the football field. After taking a shower and deciding I would take them up to the dorm before going to grab something to eat, I walk and happen to find Ai Pete, who is bowing his head and listening to the security guard lecturing him. The loud voice causes everyone to turn and look at him, and then I imagine the handsome Khun-chai, who can only say "yes, sir" with a pale face.
I feel so sorry for him that I can't help but get involved.
Honestly, if I had never encountered Ai Pete in such strange situations before, I would probably view him the same way others do: a handsome, well-dressed gentleman with excellent manners, a soft voice, a pleasant smile, the type of person who I probably wouldn't be able to get close to.
Hey, what did Pond call me again? Was it something like "grassroots" or something like that?
People like me and Ai Pete should never have crossed paths, but after meeting him, I found that Ai'Khun-chai who drives a Benz and studies in an international program is actually more endearing than I thought.
Not endearing in the way you think though.
I think Ai Pete is like a child, a boy with no confidence, someone who avoids confrontation and is meek, so I can't help but worry about him. Therefore, my feeling of endearment is more like the affection an older sibling has for a younger sibling, not the way friends would feel toward each other.
As soon as I see him acting all awkward, dazed, and clueless in his usual style, I decide... I can't just let him be, like I would with other friends.
I swear, between my honest friend Dīe from high school and Ai Pete, the polite Khun-chai, I can say without hesitation... Ai Pete is far more concerning than Dīe.
Thinking it over, I nudge Pond, who's lying with his legs spread wide, giving a truly horrendous sight, telling him to go to class on his own. He just mutters, turns over, and goes back to hugging his Myabi pillow. Want to know what kind of pattern it is? Let's not know. Let's keep it as one of the dark secrets of that bloody Pond. After that, I go downstairs, grab my bike, and pedal off to the parking lot where I once helped Ai Pete.
It doesn't take long before I spot him standing next to the luxury car, looking unsure. He's probably worried that I'm going to bail on him.
As soon as he sees me, he smiles, a smile that makes me like him even more.
His face is handsome, yet he smiles like a child who just got a toy.
"Get on," I tell Pete, and it seems like he's getting more comfortable with the bike because he climbs on without hesitation, unlike before.
However, both of his hands still hold onto my shirt like he's unsure. I shake my head slightly, thinking about when he told me he's gay and was afraid I'd be disgusted by him.
This guy really worries too much.
Grab.
"I'm not crazy. If you want to grab on, then grab. I'm more worried about you smacking your head on the ground and not being able to go home and tell your mom than anything," I say, taking both of his hands and making him hold onto my waist tightly.
I don't know what kind of expression he has, but I start pedaling, and with less weight than Pond, the friction is much lower. The force I use to start pedaling is light, so I look back at him.
"You're light, Pete. How tall are you?"
"174 cm."
"Weight."
"Uh, I think it's forty-eight kg... maybe."
Screech!
"Ow!" I widen my eyes, braking so hard I nearly fall off the bike, then quickly turn to look at the one who screamed. Since he's sitting behind me on the bike, his seat's lower than mine, so his head bangs into mine. His hands, which were holding my waist, now hug me tightly. He must be startled, but I'm even more surprised.
"You're too skinny!"
I mean, he's over 170 cm tall, and his weight doesn't even hit 50 kg. I'm 167 cm and still weigh more than him.
I turn to face him and see Ai Pete holding his forehead with both hands. He must be in pain, which helps me calm down a bit. Well, I'm hard-headed, and I felt some pain too, but he just slammed his head into mine with full force.
"Take your hand off."
One of my hands grips the handlebars, my feet push against the ground, and I twist my body to pull his hand away. Then I frown slightly. Sometimes I hate his Korean-drama hero hairstyle that covers his forehead, so I use my hand to push his dark hair back. When I do, I see... It's really red.
"Hey, I'm sorry. Does it hurt... you're so delicate, just a little bump and it turns red like that?" I mutter, and honestly, I've never been so gentle with any of my guy friends before.
Maybe because my friends are all tough, reckless types. Even the cute ones, I've slapped around before. But not with Pete. There's something about Pete that makes me not want to mess with him too rough.
"U-uh... it's not that bad."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah... sure. Ae, aren't you hungry? Let's go. I'm fine," he avoids my gaze, and I don't know what's up with him.
Pete's forehead is getting hot, and I'm worried he might have a sunstroke, but it's not even seven yet. When he insists that he's fine though, I turn around and head back the way we came.
"I'm hungry, but the one who really needs to eat is you, not me. You're too skinny. I'm honestly worried you might break in half," I keep complaining.
Like I said before, I see him as a little brother, and someone who cares about health like me doesn't like seeing others get sick in front of me.
Still, I can't help but think. Pete really does have nice skin. Yeah, it's soft too. Wait, what the hell am I even thinking?
I can't stop thinking as I start pedaling again, and I feel Pete tightening his grip on me a little more.
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
"Just eat it. Finish it all."
I just look at him, blinking. I wasn't planning on having breakfast, I just came to find him. Usually, I'd have just a glass of milk, a piece of bread, or something light. Not... a plate full of curry rice with three kinds of toppings, sprinkled with chili fish sauce, like Ae's eating right now.
Then I look down at my breakfast... a bowl of noodle soup with extra fresh vegetables piled high.
He asked me what I wanted to eat, so I tried to think of something light and tell him I want noodles. He disappeared for a while to take care of things and then came back with both his food and my noodles. I don't know if Ae's close with the auntie who runs the place, but he made sure to put extra bean sprouts, basil, and morning glory on my noodles too.
And when I try to pay Ae back, he refuses and even says…
"If you finish it, you can pay me back. If you don't finish it though, I won't take your money."
Ae must know I won't finish it.
I think this as I take another bite of noodles, glancing at the other person who seems to be eating quickly, probably because he's really hungry. Since I want to talk to Ae, I remember something from this morning.
"Ae, did you run on the field?"
"Yeah, I go for a run at 4:30 AM. If I have time, I'll do the morning alms and then go back to shower before coming down to eat. By the way, you came early, huh?"
I'm suddenly impressed. No wonder I didn't see him before. He probably went back to his dorm before I even arrived at the university.
"Yeah, well... there was a bit of a parking space war," I know I'm not telling him everything, but the parking war part is true.
And it seems to make Ae laugh, even shaking his head.
"Yeah, do any of the IC kids not have cars? Each of them practically claims a parking spot. My friend who's at the science faculty always complains that he can never get a spot because of the IC kids."
"There are some. Not every IC student is as rich as people think."
"Yeah, but most of them are."
Hmm, I can't argue with that, so I just lower my head and sip the noodle soup.
"Yeah, if you come early, you can eat with me," he says.
I look up immediately, my heart racing. I didn't expect Ae to invite me. But then, he mumbles something else.
"I'll fatten you up more."
Ah, he must think I'm really thin. But it's true, I don't notice it much when I'm wearing clothes, but if I take them off... yeah, I really am that thin.
However, there's something I've been curious about for a while now. I want to know but haven't dared to ask. Now though, since it's just the two of us, I look into his eyes and see that he's already looking at me.
I decided to ask. "I've been wondering... don't you think I'm abnormal?"
Ah, I start to get scared. He immediately makes a stern face at me and reaches out, causing me to instinctively shut my eyes tightly.
Thud.
However, he only presses my head down firmly, as if to ruffle it, but then pulls his hand back, shaking his head. He speaks to me in a more serious tone than before.
"Pete, I think the people around you must judge what's normal and what's not based on the old societal standards... but that's not my standard." Ae looks a bit troubled, but his eyes are still stern, as though I've just insulted him with something very serious.
"Do you think I'm short?"
"Uh..." No, I don't think so.
Okay, he might be shorter than me, but he's not short. There are people shorter than him. And every time we meet, there are many things about him that make me not think about his height.
"For me, I've never thought of myself as short. All my close friends are taller than me. Sometimes they call me ‘shorty,' but for me, I've never seen myself as short. I'm confident there are people shorter than me. At least I'm still within the standards of a Thai man..."
I don't know exactly what he's trying to say to me, but I listen attentively.
"...Even though I'm like this, when there's an issue or problem, my friends always choose me first because they've never thought that this ‘short' guy can't do what they do. And since I've never thought of myself as short, I don't get mad when someone calls me that. That's what I think about myself. Now, what about you, Pete... do you think you're normal or abnormal?"
I can only look him in the eyes, motionless. I think my eyes must be trembling because Ae gives me a smile and then reaches out to ruffle my hair. His voice becomes softer than usual.
"If you think you're normal, even if the whole world thinks you're abnormal, you're still normal. Then too, I'm one of the people who doesn't think there's anything abnormal about you."
I never thought of myself as weak, but for some reason, I feel my eyes burning, and I can't help but lower my head. I feel Ae gently push my head before going back to eating.
He doesn't mention the fact that my eyes are blinking rapidly, as if I'm about to cry.
"I may not understand you completely. I don't know if you'll get what I'm trying to say. I'm not good with words. But let's just say I've never thought there's anything wrong with you. And if anyone thinks of you this way... tell me, I'll go teach them a lesson myself." Ae says it plainly, but once again, my heart feels warm to the point of being frightening.
I can only lower my head and focus on trying to finish the bowl of noodles.
Honestly, I don't even know the taste, but I think it's delicious. So delicious, in fact, that I don't realize until I notice Ae's hand coming over… "Hm?"
"You got payment for the noodles?" Ae asks.
Ae raises an eyebrow at me, and that's when I realize... I've eaten this much food for the first time in I don't know how many years. Yet I can't help but laugh and take out my wallet. The banknote in my wallet...
"Uh, do you have change, Ae?"
I'm not surprised when Ae tilts his head at the thousand-baht note in my wallet, then grabs my bowl and sets it aside with his plate.
"Forget it. You're such a 'Khun-chai!'"
Ah, he's calling me that, but I feel so happy that I can only smile widely and follow him quietly.
After that, Ae kindly lets me ride on the back of his bike to the faculty. And the moment my feet touch the ground, Ae's phone rings loudly, making him grab it and frown.
"Ai Uhhh! You didn't wake me up!!!"
Even though I'm a bit farther away, I can still hear the loud shouting coming from the phone. It's no surprise that Ae looks irritated and shouts back.
"Don't blame me. I did wake you up. Instead of calling to yell at me, why don't you just go take a shower and hurry up to class, you idiot!"
"You're abandoning me, Ai Ae! You're leaving me! Huuu! You ungrateful friend!"
"You dim-wit idiot. Meet me at the building!"
While Ae is on the phone, I can only watch his phone, my mind wanting to ask for his number but not having the courage. I just stand there, nervously clenching my hands, staring until he hangs up and stuffs his phone into his pocket, feeling regretful.
Ah, but I still don't dare to ask for it. Sigh
"Alright, I'm going now. If you're here early tomorrow, just come meet me at the football field."
But how am I supposed to find Ae?
I keep thinking about it, but I don't dare ask. All I can do is smile at him, still unsure whether I should ask or not.
What should I do? What should I do? Ae's leaving now...
Sometimes I get frustrated with my own cowardice. Because Ae has already pedaled away, all I can do is sigh and turn to walk into the faculty, feeling down. I want to do something to repay Ae, but I can't even bring myself to ask for his number.
Eeekk.
"Oi, Pete!!!"
Whoosh.
But then, I freeze.
"I forgot to ask for your number." Ae says. As soon as I hear my name shouted loudly, I turn around to see the same bike pulling up in front of the faculty. Ae quickly hops off and jogs toward me with his phone in hand, offering it to me.
"Oi, sorry, I completely forgot! You don't have my number, so how would you find me? Sorry, sorry!"
Ae flashes me a wide smile, and I shakily reach out to take the phone. I feel my face burning up, probably turning bright red. Sometimes, I wish I could be as bold as he is, asking without any hesitation.
Right now though, the most obvious thing is the joy I feel when my phone buzzes in my pocket.
"Alright, I'll save your number as 'Ai'Khun-chai.' Well, I'm off now." Ae takes the phone back and waves at me.
I just stand there, grinning. "Ae, thank you!" I shout after him, and he turns with a confused expression on his face.
His voice echoes back, even more puzzled. "Thank me for what?"
And for the first time, I laugh at him like this and simply reply. "It's a secret, Ae."
Then I spin around and head back into the faculty, knowing that he must be confused. Still I figure it's better for him to stay puzzled about what I'm thanking him for.
Thank you, Ae, because you have no idea how much you mean to me…
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