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Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
Today is the first activity day for the freshmen. Even though I should be enjoying the university activities, my thoughts keep spinning around one person to the point that I hardly remember why I am in the stands taking part. Luckily, just as P'Money said, the international program is not as strict as the Thai program, where students stand straight and stiff, with a formal and stern atmosphere. Otherwise, I would be in real trouble.
It is also fortunate that we international students have our turn in the late afternoon. After that, I am free. I hear many seniors suggesting we stay until the event ends, but most IC students go home early since it will take ages for all the faculties to finish, not to mention that the highlight, the music faculty, is scheduled last and will go on until very late at night.
"Nong Pete, sweetie, are you heading home now, or would you like to stay with me, handsome?" P'Money grabs my arm, and I try to smile at them.
"Oh, my! Sister, look at Nong Pete's face for a second! Forcing such a handsome guy like this ruins the reputation of kind-hearted Thai trans women, you know!" This comes from another kathoey.
"When did I force Nong Pete, huh?!"
"Right now, when I can see your massive Adam's apple, sister!" Says the second kathoey.
"You little...!" P'Money turns to argue with another senior before turning back to me, as I'm hesitating slightly, feeling incredibly guilty.
"Sweetie, I'm not forcing you, dear. If you want to leave, it's fine. Just tell me the truth. I can handle it."
Honestly, I didn't even come here with pure intentions today. No, ever since I joined in with the cheering songs, my heart has not been in the right place.
I wanted to see Ae on the stand. That is the reason that slips out of my mouth.
"P'Money, when does Engineering go up?" I turn to ask them, which makes P'Money, who is holding the schedule for each faculty, glance down.
"Ae...where is it...Engineering...Engineering..."
"Hey, if you see something, tell the people behind you!"
Thud.
Before I got an answer, a commanding voice booms from the entrance, making many people turn their heads. Then, my answer comes in the form of a procession.
The Engineering group is led by seniors in shop uniforms who look quite imposing, calling for the students crowding the entrance to make way. Following them are students, both male and female, holding hands, all with serious expressions, no chatting or whispering. Those who see anything ahead will pass the message down the line.
"There's a step ahead...There's a step ahead...There's a step ahead..." The message is relayed in unison.
The line is so orderly, and the sheer number of people seems to subtly demonstrate Engineering's dominance.
"Oh my goodness! Here they come, and it's all men!"
P'Money is right. The long line, stretching hundreds of people, is over 80% male, taking up as much space on the stand as four or five other faculties combined.
"To be fair, Engineering always has the largest number of students, Nong Pete. Despite the crowd, their discipline is impressive, like military training. Who knows what kind of hazing they go through..."
I listen to P'Money, but my eyes are searching for someone… and then I find him.
I have no idea how I manage to spot Ae among that huge crowd. I also don't know how others see him, but to me, he stands out. The person with the calm face, short hair, dressed in his perfectly neat student uniform among his fellow faculty members.
I...miss him.
"Nong short, stocky, dark, and dwarf is in Engineering, right, Nong Pete? But with this many people, it's probably tough to find your friend," P'Money whispers to me, and I quietly acknowledge them.
I don't tell them that I have already found him and...that I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone before.
I want to approach him, I want to talk to him, I want to ask how he's been—but then fear washes over me.
We haven't seen each other for several days. Does Ae feel anything for Nong Chomphu?
I ponder sadly, my gaze fixed on this one man. Over the past few days, I've come to realize many things. It's not just a small sense of jealousy that's kept me from going to see him. I know that Ae is a kind person, and one day, some woman will surely recognize his kindness, just as I have.
However, it's something else I've realized that's been torturing me more and more. Being gay might not be something wrong in Ae's mind, but being a normal man would certainly be better for him.
Yes.
I am gay. The months before I met Ae were full of suffering for me. I struggled immensely with my feelings. I was terrified my family would find out. I feared my mother would be disappointed. I was so scared that I couldn't tell anyone. I've been insulted, ridiculed, and labeled as abnormal, as a deviant, as disgusting.
I know it—I understand it. I've been through it, and I don't want Ae to go through the same.
I believe Ae isn't lying. That evening when he told me his feelings, they were genuine. He is leaning toward me. I should be happy, but now, I don't feel that way anymore.
How could I bear it if I caused him to be insulted the way I've been?
No matter how much people say society is more open, in reality, how many parents can truly accept that their son loves another man? How many families are willing to openly admit that their son doesn't like women?
Because we live in a society, we are forced to care about society.
I don't want Ae to be subjected to such condemnation. It's better for him to like women than to like men.
Even though it breaks my heart, part of me is relieved that Nong Chomphu came into the picture at this moment. She arrived just when Ae was feeling confused. She will keep him on the path of being a normal man… unlike me.
How ridiculous. I'm about to cry.
I blink hard as my eyes begin to burn. I resolve not to see Ae—at least not until this pain subsides a bit. Ae has already helped me so much. It's time I do something for him.
"P'Money, I'm heading home now."
"Oh? Not staying to see your friend? Engineering's almost finished now," P'Money glances at their watch. I force a smile and shake my head.
"No, I don't think so. With this many people, it'll be hard to find him anyway. So, I'll head off now." I raise my hands to wai P'Money, glance at Ae one last time, and then make my way through the crowded area. As expected, the place is packed with people squeezing in. It takes quite an effort to push my way through to the entrance, and just as I am about to step out when… Engineering's turn ends.
In the end, I just stand there, pressed against the crowd at the entrance, watching the Engineering students file out row by row. Watching, I don't dare look at anyone's face. I simply keep my head down, standing there for quite a while until the entire faculty has left, allowing me some space to move. I let out a quiet sigh.
With so many people, there's no way we'll meet.
I keep trying to reassure and encourage myself as I finally step outside, breathing in the cool air after being crammed in a space full of people for so long. I watch the last of the Engineering students walk away in the distance and can only manage a sad smile.
It hurts so much.
I just keep walking slowly, intending to head home. Somehow, I end up at the football field. Maybe it is because everyone is gathered at the other building that the field is practically deserted.
"Ugh, crying like a little kid, Pete." I say to myself. Just seeing the field makes my eyes burn.
I can picture Ae running on the field, and I feel foolish for how much I've been affected.
Go home, Pete. Just...go home...
Thud.
I told myself that, but instead, I collapse onto my toes, burying my face against my knees when I feel it.
My shoulders were shaking.
The thought that Ae should like women and not me is tearing me apart, to the point that I can't take it anymore. Even though just being friends should be enough. The more someone gets though, the greedier they become. The more I think about Ae telling me about his feelings for me, the harder it is for me to let go. Until it all turns into tears.
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud.
Grab.
"Why are you running from me, Ai'Pete?!"
I hear footsteps approaching from behind, but before I can turn to look, my shoulder is yanked, forcing me to stand up. I hear a sharp voice, brimming with anger, and all I can do is look back in sheer shock.
"Ae?"
"Yeah, it's me!!" The man, drenched and with a soaked student uniform, is the very person I've missed so desperately.
Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
I'm furious—furious beyond words.
Initially, I planned to go find Ai'Pete after the stand event. As I stand there though, out of the corner of my eye, I see the one person I most want to see… standing below!
Ai'Pete does not realize just how noticeable he is. Even though I try to keep my focus straight ahead, singing the cheer songs, my peripheral vision still catches him, standing among the crowd, staring right at me. Then, suddenly, he pushes his way through the crowd and leaves. My heart races. I just want this stand event to be over already.
Once it finally ends, we have to leave the stand in an orderly fashion, or I would have gone crazy. I want to slip away, but I have seniors blocking every side—front, middle, and back. The moment I'm free, I run, sprinting back to where I last saw him. He is gone though. I call his phone—it is turned off. I wander around for minutes, frustrated, until something compels me to head toward...
The football field.
I tell myself that if I don't find him today, I'll wait in front of his faculty building first thing Monday morning!
However, it seems like fate or the heavens don't want to keep me waiting, because I finally see him. That skinny pale guy is standing by the sidewalk. Then, out of nowhere, he collapses, squatting down, hugging his knees tightly. I run over. Right now, I don't think of anything except grabbing hold of him.
I'm not letting you run from me again.
He looks up at me, shocked, but I'm even more shocked when I see tears forming in his eyes.
For crying out loud, don't act like you knew I'd come yell at you and then cry before I can even start!
I curse in frustration and drag him by the arm in another direction, not caring how much he yells or protests.
"Ae... Ae, where are you taking me?!"
We don't stop until we reach the side of the field, where no one else is around...
Push.
"Alright, tell me right now why you've been avoiding me, before I get even angrier at you." I shove him against a tree, my voice cold and harsh, staring him down fiercely, and he avoids my gaze.
Grab.
"Look me in the eyes." I don't care anymore if I'm making him uncomfortable. I'm already more than uncomfortable with myself. If I don't get the truth from Ai'Pete today, I'll kiss Ai'Pond's ass!
"I... it's nothing."
"Damn it, Ai'Pete... why are you avoiding me?!" I'm yelling now, in the same voice that makes my friends tremble in fear, but it only makes my Khun-chai try harder to avoid my eyes.
Grab.
This time, I use both hands to cup his cheeks, forcing him to meet my intense and stern gaze. I see his face grow pale as he shakes his head, refusing to speak.
"There's really nothing, Ae…"
"If you don't tell me, I'll kiss you."
What a ridiculous reason! I shouldn't have listened to that idiot Pond.
Even I feel embarrassed after saying it. I'm not some leading man in a drama who threatens the heroine with a kiss every time. I've reached my limit though, and that's what makes Pete's eyes widen. In a way, what Pond has been drilling into me for days seems to work.
All right!
So, I move my face closer, staring intently at those orange-tinted lips that I'm tempted to taste again, putting as much pressure on him as I can. My serious expression makes Khun-chai even paler.
Grab.
He covers my mouth with his hand, shaking his head violently before blurting out something that leaves me stunned.
"Ae, you shouldn't do this. You should do this with a girl, not with a gay guy like me!"
Pete looks like he's about to cry again, but I'm confused. I don't understand what he's saying—after all, I kissed him before, and he let me. So why is he saying this now?
"What are you talking about…"
"Chomphu, Nong Chomphu, Ae. You should be doing this with Nong Chomphu, not with me…"
"But there's nothing between me and Chomphu."
"There's nothing between us either."
"Ai'Pete, I already told you I feel more than friendship toward you! Don't you understand plain language?!"
Thud.
I don't mean to yell at him like that, but I'm so incredibly angry.
How much clearer could I have been the other day when I told him how I felt? Now he's shoving me toward Nong Chomphu again.
My words make him freeze. I thought his face would turn red like that day, but today, it's the opposite.
Ai'Pete starts crying.
This time, it's real, not just the brink of tears. He's wiping his face with the back of his hand, swiping at his tears like a child.
"Ae… don't say that… hic… Ae, you shouldn't feel this way about me… hic… you shouldn't… it's just… being close… You should like a girl… not… a gay guy… like me… hic… Khun should be close to her… not to me… kiss her… not me… take care of her… not me… it shouldn't be me… hic…"
I should be angrier at him for pushing me toward someone else, but why does he look like he's suffering as he says these words? How can I just leave him like this? I can't. There's no way I can.
"Ae is… confused… you can still change… hic… don't… don't make things hard… like… me… don't let people call you… hic… the wrong gender…"
Grab.
"I want to kill you, seriously. Do you even think before you speak?"
I can't take it anymore. Seeing him looking like he's about to break, I pull him into an embrace. Even though he tries to push me away, I hold him tightly, pressing his face against my shoulder, and speak in a low voice.
"I know you've been insulted by those jerks so much that you're scared like this, but let me tell you something. Yes, I'm a normal guy who should like girls…"
I can feel him stiffen in my arms, gripping my shirt tightly, so I quickly continue.
"…But if I like you, it's because you're you. It doesn't matter if you're a girl or a guy. Honestly, if this feeling means I like you, it doesn't make me gay, because I only feel this way about you, not every guy!"
I don't know if he understands what I'm saying.
Okay, if I like him right now, I only like him. I don't see every guy and want to hug them, kiss them, or press my cheek against theirs the way I do with him.
"And I've already rejected Chomphu…"
"Ae," Ai'Pete looks up at me, his face a mess of tears.
I sigh and roughly wipe his face with my hand.
"Yeah, I told her I can't be her partner, because I don't even know her. I'm not just going to start a relationship out of nowhere."
I don't tell him everything, though. The truth is, Chomphu said she won't give up. If we don't know each other now, she'll keep trying until we do. That's why this high school girl keeps hanging around me every morning.
"All right, now that I've told you, it's your turn. Tell me why you've been avoiding me." I circle back to the original topic, and the handsome Khun-chai, who's lost all his composure, presses his lips tightly together before looking down at his feet again.
"I… I'm jealous of her."
"Jealous? Jealous of what?"
I'm really confused now. What can he possibly be jealous of that girl for? However, when he looks up at me and answers, I'm left speechless.
"I'm jealous that Nong Chomphu told you she likes you directly, something I've never had the courage to do. I like you… I like you so much… I feel like I'm going to die from it."
At this moment, Pete's tear-stained face gazes directly at me, his eyes filled with tears, before he repeats his confession.
"I like you, Ae… what should I do?"
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
I said it. I've finally confessed my feelings to Ae. I've told him.
When I finish speaking, Ae's frozen expression terrifies me. I have no idea what he's thinking, so I bow my head and bite my lip, feeling my hands trembling uncontrollably. Everything inside me bursts out like a dam breaking.
"I've liked you since the day you helped me… you can think I'm too easy… but I like you… you're my hero… you've always come to my rescue… you've given me the courage to say no, to stand up for myself. I'm not weak anymore, not someone who just runs away, cries, and suffers alone. When I'm with you… hic… I'm happy… so happy that it scares me… I think about you all the time… all the time…"
I look up at him, trying to force a smile, though I'm trembling. The sky is getting darker by the minute, but Ae's gaze remains fixed on me. His deep black eyes both calm and unsettle me at the same time, and then Ae moves closer to me.
"Ae…"
I call his name softly, my heart pounding with fear as his fingers gently trace the edge of my eyes. Ae usually wipes my face carelessly, with no tenderness, but today is different. He's slowly wiping away my tears before placing his hand on my cheek.
I feel his body heat more with every movement as he gets closer. Then, by the time I realize what's happening… his lips are already on mine.
Our third kiss.
It's a feeling that leaves me unable to think. My body is frozen, my hands icy cold, but my lips, which are touching Ae's, are burning.
Right now, I can feel his lips pressing firmly against mine. Then Ae pushes me until my back hits the tree, and I jump when his warm tongue lightly licks my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling fear, excitement, and nervousness all at once, not knowing what to do.
Ae's touch is soft, moist, but so gentle that I feel like I'm melting to the ground. I feel like I'm an ice cream, slowly being tasted by him, savoring every part of me. As soon as he touches the seam of my lips, I tremble all over.
"Open your mouth," he whispers against my lips, and I can't think anymore. All I can do is open my mouth for him, feeling the heat of his tongue slipping through the gap.
Grab.
I tightly clutch Ae's shirt. I felt worse than being on a roller coaster. My stomach churns, my head spins, and my heart seems ready to jump out of my chest. My body feels like it is melting into a puddle on the floor. I have never realized that a kiss can make me feel this much.
"Mmm...." I hear myself moan faintly, as his tongue entwines with mine, which clumsily responds. He touches me, tastes me, and leaves me... unable to think at all.
I have no idea how long this kiss lasts. Time feels like it has stopped. When Ae finally pulls away from my lips... I collapse onto the floor.
"Ai'Pete!" Ae quickly grabs my arm, as my legs give out, and I can't stand. I can only cover my face with my hands, my tongue still slightly numb, stumbling over my words.
"R-r... we... I..." I truly could not think.
Pat.
I keep my head bowed until I feel the warmth of his hand gently placed on my head, softly stroking it. Then Ae sits down beside me without pulling his hand away, and I hear him murmur softly.
"I'm not going to apologize for kissing you, because I really wanted to kiss you."
I feel like I might just explode. It is what Ae says next that nearly makes me want to disappear on the spot though.
"Your lips... are sweet."
Now, I don't dare look him in the eye again.
By the time I manage to regain my composure, several minutes have passed... Ae says nothing the whole time, not even mentioning how dark it has gotten or that the mosquitoes have started biting. He just sits with me quietly until I finally take a deep breath.
"Ae..."
"What?"
"Ae... don't close yourself off, okay?"
"What do you mean?"
By now, I have gathered enough focus to put my thoughts into words. I try to give him a faint smile, though my heart is trembling in fear.
"About Nong Chomphu... I don't want you to reject her. I want you to give yourself a chance. I still believe that it's better for you to like girls than to get involved with a guy like me. Right now, you're uncertain, so I want you to open up to her... don't make your decision out of pity for me."
It isn't that I am bringing up the past to go in circles, but I want this to be completely clear. Then Ae ruffles my hair roughly.
"I'm not the type to think too deeply about things, Ai'Pete... but this time, you're not just pushing me toward her, are you?"
"Yes... I want you to give her a chance... and yourself." I reply softly.
"So you're saying that before I understand clearly why I want to kiss you, hug you, and play with your cheeks, I should be seeing Nong Chomphu in that way, right?"
I feel like he is mocking me in some way, but I slowly nod, and that makes him wrap his arm around my shoulder.
"Sigh, I'm starting to wonder if you really like me."
"Of course I do! I just…"
"I know. You don't want me to go through what you've been through. I get it... you're a good person, kind-hearted… but you know what? Instead of making me like girls, it only makes me feel more for you."
Ae turns and smiles at me, swaying me gently as he looks out toward the empty road ahead.
"I'll give myself the chance you're talking about, until I fully understand my own feelings... even though I feel like it's already too late." I don't dare look at his face at that moment, not until he stands up and extends his hand to me.
"Come on. I'm starving. Let's go eat." Ae smiles at me then, a wide smile that makes my heart race.
I reach out and place my hand in his, feeling his firm grip as he pulls me up and leads me toward the dining hall.
"Don't run away from me again."
"I won't... anymore," I mumble under my breath.
The pleasant atmosphere between the two of us while eating has returned. Ae doesn't mention Nong Chomphu even once, instead telling me about everything that has happened over the past few days—about his niece, Pond, and school. We talk as if we haven't seen each other in half a year. Before I realize it, Ae is dragging me back to the building where each faculty is still preparing their stands.
"Just in time."
The moment has come for the faculty with the best singing group to take the stand. I don't know how Ae managed it, but he has led me into the middle of the crowd.
As the university's anthem echoes through the building, I feel chills from the powerful resonance of the song. Despite the crowd pressing in from all sides, I immediately recognize the warmth of a hand touching mine. I know it is Ae's hand.
He doesn't look at me, still gazing straight ahead. Still… his hand is… intertwined with mine, fingers tightly clasped.
Amid the crowd, even though we don't make eye contact, who would know that our hands are clasped together, as if we are one.
A silent act... but sweeter than a thousand words.
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