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Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
In this moment, I feel like someone who is feverish. My face feels hot, my vision is blurry, and my head is light, in a way I can't quite describe.
However, as soon as Pete turns around and our faces come close together, something compels me to press my lips against his.
It is a sensation I have never experienced before.
Pete's lips are unbelievably soft. Even though the moment I kiss him, my entire body goes numb, as if I have been electrocuted, I can still feel the softness of his lips.
I can't resist pressing mine firmly against them, sealing the kiss completely. And then, I—
…
I stay like this for a while, my heart is pounding so fast it frightens me. However, I don't want to pull away. I want to remain here, motionless, forever.
I have never kissed anyone before and don't know how to kiss. Right now, all I know is that Pete's lips are so soft... that I am instantly addicted to them.
However, something... something that had been building up inside my chest for several days forces me to slowly pull back. The last light of the day illuminates Pete's sharp brows, piercing eyes, high-bridged nose, and beautifully shaped lips. His handsomeness, which any girl would fall for at first sight, is undeniable. Yet, as I look at his slightly flushed pale cheeks, I find him... adorable.
Then I said it—the feeling that has been buried in my heart for days.
"I... I might feel something more than friendship towards you, Pete."
I can clearly see Pete freeze—completely still. No, he is probably in shock. Just like me, shocked by the words I have just said. However, I don't really understand what these feelings mean.
I am overwhelmed by concern, thoughts of him, and worst of all, I have even used thoughts of him to help myself (masturbate).
"Mo... more than friends... friends..." Pete mutters as if his soul has left his body.
Now, I fear he will be disgusted. After all, he can't possibly feel more than friendship for me. I am nothing like his ex in appearance. Yet, seeing him just frozen there, not responding but also not running away, gave me a little bit of hope. So, I voice what has been in my heart.
"I... I don't know. These past few days, I've been confused. I keep thinking about you, worrying about you, and I feel strange whenever I'm near you."
I let out a soft sigh, still unwilling to move my face away. Watching Pete blink as if trying to regain his senses…
It's like watching a little child who is utterly confused.
Adorable, I guess.
"I... how do I put this? I like holding your hand. I like your cheeks..."
I stare at his deeply flushed cheeks in silence. My heart wants to touch that softness, but I think better of it. Pete is still in shock, and I don't want to take advantage of him while he is off guard, even though those cheeks are becoming more and more irresistible.
Sometimes, I wish I could feel the same way about Pete as before. If I did, I'd probably be pinching his cheeks playfully by now.
"I feel like they're soft. To be honest, I just want to cuddle... I don't really know what this feeling is. I've never been this close to anyone before. How should I explain this...?"
I scratch my head lightly. I might be firm about many things, knowing exactly what I want, but with something I've never experienced before, I can't quite put it into words.
"Right now, I don't know how I feel about you... as a friend, a younger brother, or... um, like that..."
It seems that my "like that" comment makes Pete's face turn an even deeper shade of red. Meanwhile, I struggle to hold myself back from reaching out to touch his cheek. I shift slightly backward, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry that I don't understand my feelings yet, and then I went ahead and kissed you. You probably didn't like it, but I don't want you to be angry."
"W-why would I be... angry?" Pete's voice is so quiet I can barely hear it. His question leaves me at a loss for words, but I answer anyway.
"Well, you see me as just a friend, but I still did that to test my own feelings."
I don't think Pete will be angry at me for wanting to figure out my feelings, but I know he doesn't see me that way either. To him, I am just another friend he can rely on. With his gentle, reserved personality, he is closer to me than to other friends. Still though, I am well aware of my place. I am different from Trump, as my friends point out. I am just a commoner, nothing special. There's no way Pete would ever like someone like me.
Grab.
Then, Pete grabs my shirt and lowers his face until it is almost buried in my chest, making it hard for me to see his expression. He covers his face with the back of his hand, and I start to feel a little scared.
Don't be so naive, Ae. Who wouldn't be mad? You kissed him!
"Are you mad at me?"
Shake shake
"Wh...what... no... no, it's fine... A-Ae, now that you've... tested it, how do you feel?"
For some reason, I can hear how shaky Pete's voice is—so nervous and quivering, as though he might cry. However, I decide to answer him honestly.
"I don't know…"
He goes silent, which makes me quickly add, "…I really don't know, Pete.
Like I said, I've never been this close to anyone before. What I felt just now is probably..."
I turn my face toward the window, watching some students head up to their dorms while others come down to buy something.
Then I tell him, "…all I know is that your lips are soft, incredibly soft… so soft that I… want to kiss you again…"
As soon as I finish speaking, I feel my face heat up even more, like I have just run two hours straight on the field without rest—hot, dizzy, and disoriented. It seemed like my blunt words have left Pete speechless, and I go quiet too. The silence in the car stretches on until I'm not sure what to think anymore.
"I'm sorry..." I apologize, feeling guilty.
If I hadn't kissed him earlier, he wouldn't be feeling this awkward right now.
"Y-you don't need to apologize… Ae, you don't need to apologize… it wasn't wrong at all..." Pete replies, his voice still shaky.
One hand is covering his face, and the other is gripping my shirt tightly. Somehow, the fact that he is still holding onto my shirt gives me a bit more confidence.
"What's wrong with you? Move your hand." Not being able to see his face means I have no idea what he is thinking, so I try to pull his hand away. He flinches and resists with all his might, making me frown.
"Why are you covering your face?"
"N-no... please, Ae, don't look at me... don't..."
The more he tells me not to look, the more curious I become, worried that he might be crying. So I grab his wrist and pull forcefully until he accidentally lifts his face along with my tug.
Thud.
The moment I see his face, I am stunned. Something inside my chest tightens as I realize Pete's face looks different from usual. Normally, he is so handsome that other guys would be jealous, but now his entire face was flushed—his cheeks, his ears, everything. Even his lips and eyes are trembling, and I can tell that his expression is a mix of embarrassment and the verge of tears.
"Don't look… Ae, please don't look... my face must look so weird right now."
Pete tries to pull his hand back up to cover his face again, but I hold his wrist firmly. I don't know why, but now I just want to keep looking at his face.
It is more than just adorable.
I couldn't quite explain his expression, but it is definitely ‘more than just adorable.'
"Ae… please, don't look..."
"Damn it, stop looking at me like that!"
I scream in my head as he gazes at me with that expression—something more than just adorable—and it is bringing out a side of me I can't believe I have.
Right now, I want to yank him into a fierce kiss, kiss him so hard that he'll show me a face no one else will ever see again. I hold myself back though.
"Do you like me… or not?"
Something compels me to ask, even though it seems impossible. Still, I ask anyway. If he shakes his head, deny it, I am ready to apologize for everything I've done. Instead, he just… widens his eyes.
Then Pete freezes. Completely. He looks shocked out of his mind, still staring at me, but in a way that makes him seem like his soul has left his body. His cheeks flush even more, and I start wondering if all the blood in his body has rushed to his face. In this moment, my friend Pond's words came rushing back to me.
"Pete likes you."
I had argued with Pond back then, fiercely denying the idea. There was no way it could be true. Even though Pete was gay, I couldn't believe someone like him would ever like someone like me. Now though, I am starting to reconsider Pond's words, especially after seeing Pete's expression, like a kid caught lying.
Could it really be true?
"Pete." The moment I say his name, he jolts, trying to back away until his back hits the other door.
Pete lowers his head, trying to hide his face from me, which makes me ask again.
"Am I right to think you like me?"
I've never been the kind of guy who's full of himself. I never let these kinds of thoughts cloud my judgment. However, it is now hard not to think this, especially when he looks up at me quickly before lowering his head again, his mouth slightly open, trembling as if begging to be teased.
"I-I...I... I don't... I don't know... I... I'm not sure..."
Usually, I get easily annoyed with people who stammer and can't get their words out, but seeing Pete so flustered, unable to say anything but "I, I, I..." makes him even more adorable. At the very least, I realize that he is probably feeling the same as me.
Neither of us knows exactly what was going on between us. He isn't sure of his feelings, and I'm not sure of mine. So, being the straightforward guy that I am, I just ask him…
"Can I kiss you again?"
Pete makes that expression again—somehow it's even more adorable than before.
His mouth opens and closes a couple of times, and though I'm not pressing him for an answer, I can't take my eyes off his lips. Finally, after a few moments, he gives me a small nod.
Taking that as consent, I move a little closer. Suddenly, an unexpected wave of nervousness hits me as I look at his eyes, staring back at me, before he closes them tight and tilts his face upward slightly. I let go of his wrist and cup his cheek.
Warm.
That's what I think as I lean in closer, focusing only on those soft, orange-tinted lips. Tilting my head slightly, I gently press my lips to his. I can't help but feel a bit embarrassed at how hesitant I am. Any of my other friends would've kissed someone without hesitation—probably even done more than just kiss. All I've managed is a soft touch of our lips.
Even with just that… my heart is pounding so fast I feel like I might lose my mind.
For our second kiss, Pete's lips are still soft, so soft that I press against them again. I know kissing isn't just about touching lips. There's supposed to be more—tongues, licking, exploring—but I have no idea how to do that. I'm not thinking about it at all. So, I just hold still, waiting until I felt Pete slowly start to relax.
"Ah!" He lets out a small sound when I lightly nibble his lip.
That encourages me to try something more…
Whoa!
Pete jumps when I tentatively lick his lips. I don't go inside, just trace the seam between his upper and lower lips. The brief touch of wetness makes me pull back instantly.
I'm starting to feel… warm, too warm, especially in my lower body.
"Sorry, I'm terrible at this," I mutter, feeling embarrassed.
Pete shakes his head so hard I think he might snap his neck.
"N-No, Ae… you aren't terrible at all… not at all," he stammers, making me smile a little.
It is obvious he doesn't have much more experience than I do, which honestly makes me feel a little relieved. Then, I glance at the clock on the car's dashboard and my eyes widen.
"Whoa, it's already six-thirty! You're going to be late for your meeting with your mom!"
I quickly open the car door and step out, grabbing the bag that has fallen between the seats.
"Here, this is for Yim? Thanks, Pete. My niece is going to love it." I ramble quickly, and Pete nods just as eagerly.
Usually, I would say goodbye to him properly. Now though, I can't find the right words. Seeing him look down shyly only makes things more awkward for me.
Worry.
"Are you okay? Can you drive?" I ask.
"I-I can, yeah." Even though Pete says this, I can't help but feel more worried.
Since it is getting late though, I decide to close the door.
"Ae! Wait!" Pete calls out just as I am about to shut the door, making me pause.
Then he starts speaking so quickly that I am afraid he'd run out of breath.
"Ae, you weren't bad at all! I've never been this nervous before. My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest… and… and I feel good… uh, no, no, no, I'm burning up! I feel like I'm going to die… and I… I…"
He seems so flustered that I can feel my own face heat up in response. Something else makes me call his name.
"Pete."
"Y-Yes?"
"That… was my first kiss."
As soon as I say it, I quickly shut the car door and step onto the sidewalk. I glance back inside the car, but the tinted windows and the growing darkness outside hide his reaction. I can only see my own reflection on the glass.
My face stays calm, but inside, my heart is racing like crazy.
Pete's car drives off, but I stand there watching until it disappears from sight. Only then do I slump down onto the curb, placing a hand over the left side of my chest.
"Damn it, calm down already! I can't even breathe," I mutter to myself, though my mind is thinking something else entirely.
How can you be so adorable, Pete?
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
I don't even know how I managed to drive home. I must've done it on autopilot, completely unaware of every turn, every press of the gas, and every time I hit the brakes. I guess it's a miracle I made it back in one piece, body and soul.
In the end, I arrived fifteen minutes late, but Mom didn't mind. She just smiled at me like always. But me? I can't even tell what kind of smile I give her in return.
I go out to eat with my mom, but I have no idea what I eat, how it tastes, or where we eat. I don't remember what we talk about, whether I smile, nod, or express anything. All I can think about is what happened earlier this evening. Then the more I think about it, the more my heart races, making me feel like I might faint.
"Are you sure you're okay, Pete?"
"Y-Yes, I'm fine, Mom."
"Your face is all red though. Do you have a fever?"
"I'm really fine, Mom. Don't worry." I reassure her, trying to put her at ease.
We are home now, but just before I can head to my room, she gently touches my shoulder and asks, concerned.
"Are you sure, dear? I've never seen you so distracted. Is something on your mind?" Mom asks.
How can I possibly tell her I have just kissed Ae? There is no way.
"Or… is it about that friend of yours, Ae?"
Blush.
"N-No, no, Mom, really, it's not!" I lie.
My face is burning, like it is about to explode, just from hearing his name. I stammer and shake my head so hard that even I can tell how suspicious I must look. That makes my mom laugh as she lets go of my shoulder, speaking playfully.
"Well, I guess you're fine then. Go take a shower, dear. I'm going to rest, too."
Why does she say that like she knows?
"Why did you say it like… hmm…"
My mom smiles immediately, a mischievous smile I've never seen before. Then she lightly teases.
"One day, bring Ae over and introduce him to me. I'd like to meet the person you tried so hard to make shrimp porridge for. I want to see if he liked it."
She then heads upstairs, leaving me frozen in place. I can't even smile or cry.
Mom definitely knows.
I think as I trudge up to my room, completely drained. After closing the door, I collapse onto my bed, burying my face into the pillow. I am exhausted, not physically, but emotionally. My heart has been working overtime today.
The moment Ae kissed me, my whole body trembled. Ae's wasn't my first kiss. I lost that to Trump the day he filmed it to blackmail me. That kiss was rough and forceful, with him sliding his tongue into my mouth, tangling with mine until it went numb, but... it wasn't memorable.
Even without the blackmail, the kisses of these two people are completely different.
Ae didn't kiss me as deeply, but who would know better than me how wildly my heart raced? My entire body was frozen, unable to react, my hands shaking uncontrollably. It felt like the world stopped spinning. All I could see were his eyelashes. All I could feel were his lips, and all I could sense was his warmth.
It wasn't deep in action, but it was deep in the heart.
A gentle kiss that shook my entire world, changing everything.
I feel like I'm dying, really dying.
I never felt this way with Trump. There was no fluttering, no weightless sensation, no burning heat on my face. That kiss was just my body responding to what he led. There was nothing that pressed down on the core of my chest like this kiss did.
Ae's kiss was the best kiss I could ever hope to receive from anyone in my life.
Ae has already said he isn't sure about his own feelings, but isn't this enough for someone with a secret crush? For an ordinary guy who isn't gay, who never had feelings for men, yet is willing to kiss me in this way? If there is anything I regret, it would be... that I didn't confess my own feelings.
At that moment, I was really in shock, my brain had stopped working. When Ae asked if I liked him, it felt like the ground was tilting beneath me, and I was tongue-tied, like someone caught red-handed. Thinking back now, I should have told him. I should have said...
"I like you, Ae. I love you... No matter what you think of me in the end, I've already fallen for you."
I wanted to say it, but I didn't have the courage... and now I regret that.
At the very least, Ae didn't reject me.
Right now, I'm so happy that I can't even put it into words. My mind is replaying everything that has happened, over and over. The moment he said he felt more for me than just friendship, the moment he asked to kiss me, the moment he told me it was his first kiss.
I'm embarrassed. Really, really embarrassed.
I think as I roll over, hugging my pillow tightly. I'm happy I was his first kiss, and sad that he wasn't mine. At least though... It was our first kiss together, and it was the most wonderful one.
"It sounds like you're expecting there to be a next time, Pete," I mumble to myself. I can't deny though that I secretly hoped for it too.
"Ah, better go take a shower, stop dreaming already," I quickly push those thoughts aside and am about to head into the bathroom. However, my hand reaches for my phone hesitantly. I glance at the clock—it is already past ten—but in the end, I hold my breath and send a quick message.
...Good night...
I want to call him, but I don't have the courage. So, I send that instead and go to shower. I don't expect him to reply, but the moment I finish and rush back to check my phone, I can't help but smile.
He's sent me a picture of a little girl sleeping, hugging a stuffed toy.
This must be Nong Yim, right?
I laugh, feeling an overwhelming fondness for the small girl. Though there are no words accompanying the picture, something about it warms my heart deeply. Tonight... I sleep better than I ever have before.
Perhaps this is what they call... the happiness of being in love.
~~~
Yesterday, I didn't meet Ae. It wasn't because I didn't want to—well, actually, I was too embarrassed to see him. That's why I didn't go eat lunch with him at the cafeteria. Plus, he was busy with cheer practice, so he couldn't come find me either. The whole day, I ended up searching for something I had secretly asked Pond about, and now today, here I am, standing at the parking lot holding a gift box.
I already intended to find a way to thank Ae for helping me the day I got beat up, but with everything that has happened, including sorting out my own feelings, I have finally gotten around to it. Now that I have, I can't stop grinning like a fool. However, today, the one who comes to pick me up is... Pond.
"Oh? Where's Ae?" Pond bursts out laughing, giving me a mischievous look that makes me feel uneasy.
"I'm not telling you. You'll see for yourself. Haha! Just thinking about it makes me laugh. Oh, and put that gift away for now. Today's not the right time to give it. Trust me," Pond laughs so hard it starts making me feel nervous.
"Don't give me that suspicious look. Shorty specifically told me to come get you, alright? He's busy handling something right now... Oh, not telling you. Come with me, hahaha! Hero Ae, oh boy!"
Pond slaps the seat of the bike, shouting something I don't understand, but I agree to hop onto the back of the bicycle anyway.
"Hey Pete, do you think Ae's a hero or what?"
"Yes," I answer him directly.
After all, I see Ae as my hero. My response only makes Pond laugh even louder, pedaling faster toward the cafeteria, where whatever strange thing Pond had in store for me today was about to be revealed.
The table Pond leads me to doesn't have just Ae sitting there. There is also a girl in a school uniform from the demonstration school sitting with him. She is so cute that, for some reason, it makes me feel uneasy.
"Here comes Hero Ae! Hahaha! Oh man, this is hilarious. Hero Ae! I can't stop laughing every time I say it," Pond greets his best friend, still laughing loudly without any regard for the people around us.
The girl pouts, turning to him with an irritated look.
"What's so funny? Ae is my hero, you know," she says in a sulky tone.
Ae sighs, looks at me, and pulls out the chair next to him.
"I helped that day because I wanted to help. I'm no hero, and I don't need any repayment. I don't want anything... Pete, are you going to have the usual?" Ae asks me as if nothing is out of the ordinary, while I, on the other hand, feel my heart racing like crazy.
I nod frantically.
"Uh, and who's this?" I ask.
Ae responds matter-of-factly, "I happened to help her pick up her files last week. She's just here to thank me." As he says this, he gently pulls my arm to sit down.
That simple touch makes my face feel like it was on fire.
Then, out of nowhere, the girl who introduces herself as Chomphu tugs on Ae's shirt and says something that makes my heart feel like it has stopped beating.
"I really want to thank you, P'Ae. And... I really like you. Can I be your girlfriend?"
What... is this?
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