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Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
If I didn't like men, things would be easier. If I liked women like most other guys, my life wouldn't be this way.
This thought loops endlessly in my mind. Why don't I like women? Why do I have to like men? Why?
Sigh. I let out a heavy breath as I walk down the university path. Several shuttles from the International College slow down, as if asking if I'd like a ride to the parking lot, but I decline each one.
I prefer walking. Walking lets me think. More importantly, it allows me to reach my car late. And when I get to my car late, I get home late. When I get home late, I don't have to face the guilt that strikes every time I look my mom in the eyes.
How disappointed would she be in me if she found out her only son is… gay? Sighhh.
Thud!
"You fucking shit-lizard!!! This is a university, not a racetrack! Where the hell are you rushing off to die?!"
I snap out of my thoughts as a force yanks me backward, causing me to fall flat on my back. My head spins as I try to grasp what just happened. All I can see is someone's back standing in front of me, blocking the car that just sped away. It's only then that I realize… I narrowly avoided getting hit by that car.
Was I so lost in thought that I didn't even realize I was about to cross the street?
I ask myself, heart pounding after the terrifying incident, eyes wide in shock. My legs are too weak to stand, so I can only sit there, staring at the person who just saved me, unable to piece things together. Then, the person turns around, face filled with anger.
"And you, what, trying to die? Why the hell didn't you look before crossing the road?!"
[[Translator's Note: Thai has multiple pronouns that are varying degrees of polite vs vulgar and formal vs informal. In particular มึง (mueng) one of the pronouns for you is informal, impolite, and usually only used in a confrontational context or between rough male youths who are friends. Most of the Engineering and Sports Science students use this pronoun with each other.]]
I admit, I flinch at his harsh tone. All I can do is look at his face, my hands trembling. In that moment, all I manage to say is:
"S-sorry."
I don't even know why I'm apologizing, but when I see his expression, like he's ready to tear me apart, guilt washes over me. If I'm not mistaken, he pauses a little after I apologize, then aggressively runs a hand through his hair.
"Whatever. So, are you... ugh, never mind. You, are you hurt? I might've yanked you a bit too hard, but better than letting that damn car hit you." He sighs heavily and points at my knee.
When I look down, I realize my leg scraped hard against the pavement when I fell, tearing my pants. The moment he points it out, the sting kicks in.
"It hurts..."
How could it not? Blood is pouring down my leg.
"What the hell should I do?" I hear him mutter to himself as I manage to stand up, trying to stifle the pained hisses that want to escape.
"N-no, it's fine. Just a small wound."
"You're making a face like you're about to cry. Is that what ‘just a small wound' looks like to you?"
I don't know what face I'm making, but the pain feels ten times worse seeing all that dark red blood.
"It's fine. Thanks for helping me." I tell him quietly, because after all, he saved me—even though he looks kind of scary and his voice is a bit too intense.
My words seem to make him shrug before he walks back to where I now notice a bike, lying on its side. Judging from the mess it's in, he must've tossed it aside to pull me out of the street.
I'll admit, my heart sinks a little when I see him grab the bike and straddle it, clearly getting ready to leave. I can only try to console myself as I watch him prepare to ride away.
"No worries, another bus will come soon. I just need to get back to the car; a wound like this is still manageable for driving."
"What are you looking at? Get on, I'll take you to the infirmary."
I flinch again as that fierce face turns to look at me once more, speaking in a tone that makes my eyes widen.
"Uh... no, it's fine."
"Stop pretending to be tough. Can you walk or not?"
I can only stay silent. I can't deny that I can walk, so I slowly make my way to that bicycle. I have just realized that the person who helped me is probably a little shorter than I am, judging by their height while sitting like that. But that's not the problem. My issues are about something else.
"Get on! Don't tell me you've never ridden on the back of a bicycle."
"I've never." I admit straightforwardly that in this lifetime, I've never ridden on anyone's bike.
This makes the other person mutter in annoyance.
"Khun-chai... just sit like you're on a motorcycle. Don't tell me you've never been on one."
[[Translator's Note: The Thai word คุณชาย (Khun-chai) translates to gentleman or sir, used to convey respect and politeness, typically referring to a man of higher social status. However, it can also be used sarcastically as an insult, implying pretentiousness or that someone is acting above their true nature.]]
"Um..." I can only lower my voice when I see him making a face like he wants to kill me out of annoyance.
Honestly, I've never ridden a motorcycle. My whole life, I've only ever been in cars. The university has a shuttle that takes us straight to the building, but I don't want to be too picky, so I get on the bike awkwardly.
"That's all there is to it." He says.
"Uh... are you sure you can handle this?" I ask.
"Dude, my friend is bigger than you, and I can still pedal him around," he replies with a hint of irritation.
So, I know that the person who helped me doesn't like being spoken to like this.
"By the way, what's your name?" He asks me.
I look up immediately, trying to balance myself for my first time riding on the back of a bike. I don't dare grab his shirt, fearing he'll yell at me. Then because the seat is lower than where he's pedaling, it makes me feel like his back is wide... wide enough to feel like he's ready to help anyone.
"Pete. My name is Pete."
"Even your name sounds like a Khun-chai... Anyway, my name's Ae. Hold on tight; I'm going to speed up. Don't let all your blood drain out before we get there."
With that, the guy in front of me pushes himself off the seat a bit, then pedals hard enough that I instinctively grab the hem of his shirt tightly. I can't help but feel amazed at how fast he's cycling, even with me sitting on the back.
Before long, I'm brought to the university's infirmary. I follow the nurse, who looks quite shocked at my injury, into the building. Before going in, I glance back at the person who brought me here, and he's smiling. It's the first smile I've seen from him, after all that yelling and grumbling. Before I realize it, my face is... turning red.
~~~
"Excuse me, where's the person who brought me here?"
After my wound is treated, I limp out and ask the nurse outside. She thinks for a moment before smiling widely.
"Oh, the boy with the darker complexion, right? He said he had to go to a cheer meeting and told me to tell you to be careful and not get hit by a car again."
I thank the nurse before limping out of the infirmary. I have no idea how to get to the parking lot from here, but I know that I'm smiling... smiling a lot.
It's just someone who happened to help me out, but I remember his name clearly.
Thank you so much, Ae.
Perspective - Ae (Inthach)
"Dude, can I borrow your lecture notes?"
"Bloody fucking cur! Can't you take your own notes? You've got hands!" I grumble at Pond, who, as soon as class is over, lifts his head from his nap and shamelessly holds out his hand, asking for my lecture notes. That half-Italian jerk always acts so irritating, especially when he walks right in front of me, blocking my way.
"Come on, man. Let me borrow them. Don't you feel bad for me?" I want to say, yeah, I feel like you deserve it.
However, I reluctantly pull out my notebook to shut him up, hearing him mutter to himself.
"If Ai'Dīe studied here, I wouldn't even bother with you. Ai'Dīe is way kinder than you…"
Crash!!!
I don't wait for him to finish speaking. I lift my leg and plant my foot squarely on his back, causing him to cry out loudly. He spins around to glare at me as if he's ready to fight, but I don't care. I simply sling my bag over my shoulder and walk right past him.
"Where are you going? We have our initiation at six, you know!"
"I'm going to football practice, and if you had a watch, you'd know that initiation isn't for another three hours. Try doing something useful with your time other than hitting on girls." With that, I leave the faculty immediately, ignoring Pond's shouted retort about how his contribution to society is sitting around looking handsome and charming to the ladies.
I head straight to my trusty bike, the same kind that everyone at the university uses. Only one person so far, I've realized, still doesn't know how to ride pillion on a bicycle.
How's he doing, I wonder?
I shrug. It's been a week since I helped that guy avoid getting hit by a car. The more I think about it, the more irritated I get. Is he an idiot? Daydreaming while crossing the street like that? But then again, I don't know… he seemed kind of out of it, like he's always in a daze. Then if I'm being honest, he's pretty good-looking… maybe even better-looking than Pond.
"Whatever, he's not gonna bleed to death or anything." I say to myself.
I shrug again and start pedaling toward the sports field on the other side of the university. Even though I'm not quite 170 cm tall, I used to be a football player in high school, and I've made a bit of a name for myself. As soon as I got to university, the seniors recruited me for the university team, even though I'm not studying sports science.
I let my thoughts wander, thinking about how I'd like to meet up with my old friends, who've all gone their separate ways for school. I haven't seen them in months, especially Ai'Dīe. He's small, docile, and quiet —I hope no one's bullying him. However, Sun is at the same school with him, so he should be fine.
My thoughts are interrupted by a voice. "Bring me the money, or do you want this video to get sent to your mom?"
What the hell? Is this some kind of elementary school mafia or something? Shaking down people for money in the parking lot?
I curse internally and stop pedaling, looking over at the vast parking area that's practically been taken over by the International College kids. There, I see a big guy—clearly not a university student—grabbing someone by the collar next to a luxury car.
And where the hell are all the guards?
"I'm not giving it to you."
"What did you just say!!!"
"I said I'm not giving it to you!" A refined but distressed voice shouts.
I feel like the voice of the one refusing sounds familiar. I was already planning to help, but after hearing that, I quicken my pace. Jackpot—it's Ai'Pete.
[[Translator's Note: The Thai term ไอ้ (Ai') is an informal and often vulgar prefix that conveys familiarity or contempt when used before a name or nickname. It can express affection among friends or serve as an insult, depending on context and tone.]]
Now the guy I once helped is looking like he's about to cry—his eyes are all squinted, and his lips are trembling. Still though, he stands firm, refusing to give money to the guy who's almost twice his size. It's clear from the look of him that this rich boy couldn't fight anyone.
"Fine. I'll send this clip to your mom. Heh, your mom's going to be really proud of her only son, huh..."
"Go ahead, send whatever you want, but I'm not giving it. I'm not giving any more damn money!!!" Pete shouts across the parking lot and squeezes his eyes shut, accepting his fate as that bloody fucking cur pulls his fist back.
Thwack!!!
Holy shit!
Crash!!!
The first punch lands squarely on Pete's face with full force, and I mentally curse myself for not making it in time as I try to rush in to help. Before the second punch can land, I manage to jump in, kicking the jerk hard in the ribs before his fist can connect with Ai'Khun-chai.
"You!!!" He screams, turning around furiously while clutching his side.
I just grin at him. I may be small, but I'm strong as an ox. In any brawl, my friends always pick me first.
"Ae!!" Then I hear Pete call my name, and I glance over to see him looking stunned.
But the giant is back on his feet, and now he's got this expression like he's figured something out. "Oh, so this is your new Phua, huh? Heh, your taste's really gone downhill, Pete."
Huh? Phua?
[[Translator's Note: The Thai term ผัว (Phua) is an informal and affectionate term for husband, highlighting intimacy between partners. In contrast, สามี (Sami) is a formal term used in legal or ceremonial contexts, emphasizing respect and traditional roles.]]
"And you too—think you can take me on, Shorty!!"
"If you've got the guts, come at me!" I don't bother with anything else and get ready for a fight.
He charges at me, and I dodge before driving my knee hard into his stomach, then follow it up with a kick.
"Even a shorty like me can take you down." I tell him in a cold tone, and my eyes must look like what Ai'Pond and Ai'Dīe have described before—when I'm angry, no one dares meet my gaze.
"Tch! I'll let you off this time. And you too, Pete. Tonight, that video's definitely going to your mom!" he growls in a vengeful tone, clutching his stomach but still not learning his lesson.
I almost stepped in to finish him off when he took off running.
"Damn it, what the hell was that all about?" I sigh heavily and turn to look at the person I just saved, only to see him slump down on the ground and bury his face into his knees, clearly struggling.
"Hey, don't cry." I say.
Great. I'm ready to fight anyone, but comforting someone crying? No way!
I just stand there, hesitating, before finally deciding to sit down next to him, leaning my back against some random Benz. I sigh heavily.
"Thanks..." His voice is muffled from his crying, making me sigh again.
"Yeah, every time I run into you, it's always trouble." I say without thinking much, and he curls up even tighter.
Then the same word slips out of his mouth. "Sorry."
"Yeah, if you're gonna thank me or apologize, can you at least stop crying? "I'm terrible at comforting people," I say flatly.
I want to comfort him, but I seriously don't know how. Doesn't matter if it's a woman or a man, I just can't do it. And he responds by saying...
"Just go, Ae. It's fine... really. Just let me cry for a bit, and I'll stop."
How am I supposed to leave after you say something like that?
In the end, I pull out my phone and call my senior to tell him I can't make it to football practice today. Pete lifts his tear-streaked face to look at me, his handsome features totally clashing with how weak and broken he looks, making me shake my head.
"I can't leave you like this. What if that bloody cur comes back? What are you going to do then?" I say, watching him press his lips together tightly before taking a deep breath and telling me...
"But I'm gay."
I'm stunned into silence by his words, though I had a hunch after that jerk started throwing around all that Phua talk. Still, I figure it isn't any of my business, so I don't need to care. I am just here to help this rich guy out. Now though he's telling me he's gay. Then, on top of that, he's looking down like he's afraid I'll be disgusted by him.
Gay people are still people. What's there to be afraid of?
"Yeah, well, being gay isn't contagious. I'm still sitting here with you, right?"
I lean my head back against the car door, noticing that this Benz looks ridiculously expensive. Pete keeps his head down and repeats the same thing.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, yeah, stop thanking me already. I'm no saint. Now, what's the deal between you and that guy?" I ask, tired of the back-and-forth, and he pauses for a second before starting to tell me the whole story.
I just sit there and listen quietly.
Perspective - Pete (Pitchaya)
I am gay. I've known for a long time—ever since I reached the age where I was supposed to be interested in the opposite sex, I found myself drawn to looking at other men. At first, I thought it was just admiration, but eventually, I realized it wasn't. I grew up enough to know that I could never be interested in women.
At first, I planned to keep it a secret, not telling anyone, and trying to act like a normal guy. Since that wasn't who I really was though, it didn't last. An upperclassman, who I got to know through a friend from high school, found out. He started talking to me, tutoring me, and getting closer until I thought I liked him. The day he asked me out, I said yes immediately. I thought I'd be happy that day, but it turned out to be the most miserable day of my life.
I kissed him—a kiss so intense that I thought it would lead to something more. However, the moment the kiss ended, he shoved me away and looked at me like I was some kind of disgusting insect. Then, my high school friend stepped out, holding a phone that had been recording everything from the start.
They told me that if I didn't want my mom to find out what her only son was, I'd have to pay them to keep the video secret. That day, I was in shock. I just asked him... had he ever really cared about me at all?
"Are you an idiot? Did you really think I'd love you? Just touching you makes my skin crawl."
That day, I was like a fool, standing there watching the person I thought I liked and the friend I trusted laughing triumphantly. They told me they'd always suspected I didn't like girls, so they set me up. The bonus was extorting money from me. How many months has it been now since I started giving them money? Three months?
Then, I started seriously questioning why I couldn't like women. Why did I have to like men?
That day, the day I almost got hit by a car, when I was driving home, they called me again, demanding more money. Something inside me snapped. I told them I wasn't going to give them any more money. Maybe it was because the face of the guy who saved me suddenly popped into my head, but I walked into my mom's study and told her everything—that I was gay.
I thought she would be angry, that she'd yell at me because I was her only child, and I had disappointed her. She just hugged me though, cried with me, and... apologized to me.
"It's not wrong. My Pete isn't wrong. If there's anyone at fault, it's me for not knowing. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry."
Mom hugs me and cries like the day she decided to divorce Dad. Like the day Mom said she felt guilty for making me not have a father like others. I understood though that dad had someone else. It wasn't wrong for Mom to decide that way. Similarly, Mom says I am not wrong. No matter how I am, I am still her child.
I then decide that no matter what happens, I will not let these people use the fact that I am gay to take advantage of me. I will not tell Mom about this. I will not make Mom sad again. Just that Mom accepts me, I am happy enough.
I do not know why I tell, but I tell everything to Ae. I talk like someone who needs to vent. While Ae listens to me silently, does not interrupt, does not interject, does not say anything at all, until I feel anxious... he might feel disgust for me, like others do.
My story ends, but I do not even dare to turn and see what expression Ae has while the number of people gradually coming to get their cars in the parking lot keeps increasing. I do not care how anyone looks at me, because the people who are part of the international school do not interact much outside of classes anyway. I do not enroll in classes with anyone. I only have group-work friends.
Now the sky is changing color. The bright sun at three in the afternoon turns into just soft sunlight. Now I am silent. Ae is silent too, so I can only look down at my own toes.
I probably am about to lose another friend.
Thud.
"You should stop crying already. Are you going to cry to death or what?" Ae asks.
I flinch when Ae presses my head down hard. I feel like he is getting up, so I can only look up to follow.
"You, if that guy comes at you again, tell me. I am usually in the engineering building or at the football field," Ae says plainly, then turns to look at me, which probably shows that I am not a little surprised, so he laughs.
He laughs loudly, echoing in the parking lot.
The sound of laughter makes me feel that even though he is not as handsome as my high school senior, just smiling, just laughing, Ae makes my heart race more than anyone.
"Your face looks dirty like a cat. No need to look at me like this. You do not disgust me. Aren't gay people human or what? Get up already. I have to go cheer again," Ae tells me jokingly.
He also reaches out his hand to me, so I can only tentatively place my hand down, fearfully. Then, as Ae once said, he has a lot of strength, because with just one pull, I stand up.
"Can you get home okay?"
"I can handle it, it's this car." I can only point to my own car behind me, which I've been leaning against the whole time, letting Ae look at it with a strange gaze and mutter something like... a true Khun-nu child or something along those lines.
I'm not angry though. Ae isn't speaking in a derogatory manner; it feels more like he's talking to himself.
[[Translator's Note: ลูก (luk) means "child" or "offspring." When combined with คุณหนู (Khun-nu), as in ลูกคุณหนู (luk Kuhn-nu), it can mean "the child of a wealthy family" or "spoiled child," referring to someone perceived as pampered or raised in a privileged environment.]]
"Okay, then go home and clear things up with your mom. Those jerks might send the clip to your mom before you even say anything. Then look at your face; it's all busted up like this."
He warns me that something is waiting at home, and I hesitate a bit before turning to say, "Should I drop you off at the engineering building?"
Ae just turns to look at me before shrugging.
"No need. I'll get my bike." He points toward the bike parked far away.
However, instead of walking over to it, Ae, who is several centimeters shorter than me, just stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking at me silently, knowing he's much stronger than I am.
"Um…"
"Just go. I'll leave you alone, and you'll end up getting hurt again. Hurry up; I need to cheer you on."
Even though his words seem indifferent, he stands still, allowing me to slip into the car. I want to say something, but I can't think of anything until we drive out of the parking lot. I see him walk over to the bike he left there and ride off in another direction.
Although today should make me feel awful, I find myself holding my chest and realizing my heart is racing. Even though I tell myself to try not to like men, I... fall in love with another man again, and this time the feeling is completely different from before.
I think I really love Ae now.
Someone small in stature but with a heart wider than the ocean.
If I tell him I like him, will he be disgusted by me?
I guess I'll have to see.
And the story between him and me... begins on this day...
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